Throughout life, each of us will likely experience some kind of toxic relationship, whether it be a friendship where we feel consistently unsupported or a relationship where we feel frequently misunderstood. Some people, however, experience ongoing patterns of toxic relationships in their lives. Without having the tools or support to know their worth or what they deserve, these individuals can become addicted to toxic relationships, making them uniquely vulnerable to the development of mental health disorders, substance abuse, and other behavioural addictions. Thus, it is critical for individuals to have the knowledge and tools that they need to identify and overcome toxic relationships to prevent worsening mental and behavioural health outcomes.
We at PCP – The Perry Clayman Project recognise that risk factors for substance abuse and behavioural addictions often surface long before the addictive behaviour ever originates. For instance, as the National Insitute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) explains, “The genes that people are born with account for about half of a person’s risk for addiction.” Vulnerable genes can interact with developmental and environmental influences, like toxic relationships, further increasing an individual’s risk of addictive behaviours. By healing from toxic relationships, individuals can best protect themselves from chemical and behavioural addictions as well as sustain healthy and happy lives in sobriety.
What Are Toxic Relationships?
It is common for individuals to use the terms “toxic” and “unhealthy” synonymously, yet it can be helpful to distinguish the two terms. While anything toxic is certainly unhealthy, not everything unhealthy is always toxic. According to the National Insitute of Environmental Health Services (NIEHS), “Toxicology is a field of science that helps us understand the harmful effects that chemicals, substances, or situations, can have on people, animals, and the environment.” When a situation is considered unhealthy, there may be steps that can be taken to establish wellness and health once again. Whereas, when a situation is considered toxic, it is one that informs detrimental behaviours that undermine an individual’s well-being and sense of worth.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
When characterising the qualities of toxic relationships, it can still be helpful to consider the warning signs of unhealthy relationships. Recognising when a relationship is unhealthy can help individuals address whether or not a given relationship can be fixed and healed or if a person needs to be separated from a relationship for the sake of their health and well-being. According to Youth.gov, “Unhealthy relationships are marked by characteristics such as disrespect and control,” where “one partner tries to exert control and power over the other physically, sexually, and/or emotionally.” Warning signs of unhealthy relationships include:
- Hostility
- Dishonesty
- Dependence
- Intimidation
- Violence
In contrast, healthy relationships are built upon mutual respect. Additional characteristics of healthy relationships, highlighted by Youth.gov, include:
- Trust
- Honesty
- Compromise
- Individuality
- Good communication
- Anger control
- Fighting fair
- Problem-solving
- Understanding
- Self-confidence
Understanding the expectations of healthy relationships, as well as comparing them to the qualities of unhealthy relationships, can further help individuals reflect on their own relationships in their lives.
When Does an Unhealthy Relationship Become Toxic?
If unhealthy and toxic relationships differ from one another, some may wonder when an unhealthy relationship becomes toxic. One of the key components of toxic relationships is that either one or both partners are unwilling to change. Some partners may not verbally admit this and, instead, prove that they are unwilling to change through behaviours such as ineffective communication. Ineffective communication may include not being willing to discuss problems, not listening, avoiding difficult problems, constantly getting defensive, or stonewalling altogether.
Another key characteristic of toxic relationships is that they bring about toxic stress. According to the U.S. Administration for Children & Families (ACF), a branch of the Department of Health & Human Services (HHS):
When a person encounters a challenge, problem, or threat, there may be a stress response—stress hormones trigger a cascade of physiological changes in systems throughout the person’s body. Occasional and brief stress responses are a normal part of healthy development. However, stress that is prolonged, severe, or chronic, can cause significant problems with health and development. Such stress, that itself creates additional challenges for a person’s functioning, is toxic stress.
Within interpersonal relationships, there are many stressors that may lead to ongoing adverse consequences, like toxic stress. In addition to ineffective communication and the characteristics of unhealthy relationships mentioned above, some specific interpersonal stressors that may inform toxic stress include lacking support, envy or jealousy, lacking self-care, an uneven balance of responsibilities, constant negative energy and pessimism, and instances of abuse (verbal, physical, or sexual) and intimate partner violence.
Signs of Partner Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “Intimate partner violence (IPV) is abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship.” IPV can range from one episode of violence or aggression to chronic and severe episodes that occur over several years. As IPV can have lasting consequences on an individual’s self-worth, self-esteem, and overall mental health, it is essential to seek out professional help to heal from it as soon as possible.
Some may think that there are obvious signs of IPV. However, those addicted to toxic relationships may not recognise signs of abuse, regardless of how obvious they may be. Thus, understanding the signs of partner abuse and IPV can help individuals recognise their own need for healing and recovery. The CDC highlights the following signs of IPV:
- Physical violence: Efforts to hurt a partner through various means like kicking, hitting, or using alternative forms of physical force
- Sexual violence: Attempting to force or forcing a partner to engage in a sexual act, when the partner does not consent or is unable to provide consent
- Psychological aggression: Using both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication with the intention to harm and/or exert control over a partner
- Stalking: Patterns of ongoing, unwanted contact with a partner that is a cause for concern or fear for one’s personal safety
NIH News in Health sheds light on additional signs of partner abuse. For example, controlling behaviour such as constantly monitoring where a partner is, how often they see friends or family, or deciding how a partner spends their money can all be concerning signs. Feeling humiliated in front of others or being blamed for a partner’s negative behaviour can also be telling signs of abuse.
It is important to understand that the effects of partner abuse and IPV often linger. No matter how long ago an individual was impacted by these instances, it is essential to connect with professional treatment and support to prevent worsening consequences and foster healthy interpersonal relationships moving forward.
Toxic Relationships, Codependency, and Addiction
When a person is addicted to toxic relationships, codependency is often present. In interpersonal relationships, codependency exists when there is a power imbalance between two partners, with one or both partners being reliant on each other to fulfil mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual needs. This can lead to dysfunctional relationship patterns, as a codependent person will make unhealthy personal sacrifices in an effort to feel loved, cared for and, most importantly, needed by their partner.
Not only do codependent relationships lead to unhealthy and often toxic interpersonal interactions but they also make individuals vulnerable to substance abuse, addiction, and other maladaptive behaviour. As explained by Addiction & Health, “The dominating models [studying] the role of personality traits in the relationship between stressor and stress show that personality not only affects how people shape stressful situation or differentially expose themselves to stressful events, but it also determines how people perceive, evaluate, cope and react to stressors.” Thus, those with a history of codependency and associated traits such as low self-worth experience an increased risk of turning to alcohol, drugs, and other problematic behaviours in an attempt to self-medicate.
Co-occurring codependency and substance addiction may surface in various ways. For example, those who are codependent in toxic relationships may be introduced to alcohol and drug use by their partner, and continue to engage in substance use alongside them. Some individuals may also use alcohol and other drugs independently from their partner. Conversely, substance abuse can also inform codependent behaviours and, in turn, increase an individual’s risk of becoming addicted to toxic relationships in the future.
Substance abuse is not the only maladaptive behaviour that is often present with codependency. Process and other behavioural addictions also commonly occur alongside codependency, which can inevitably pose ongoing concerns for health and well-being. Some examples of behavioural addictions include:
- Gambling
- Sex addiction
- Gaming addiction
- Internet addiction
- Shopping addiction
No matter what condition develops first, recognising the presence of these circumstances in one’s life is the first step in healing. Also, for those who struggle with codependency and substance abuse or behavioural addictions in tandem, noting their influence on one another and how they continue to exacerbate mental health problems is a crucial part of fostering sobriety and recovery.
What Are the Consequences of Toxic Relationships?
In addition to increased risks of substance abuse and addiction, toxic relationships can have an array of problematic consequences, especially if they are left unmanaged or unresolved. One study by the International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology found that “[v]ictims [of toxic relationships] reported a variety of abusive experiences and various negative symptomatology involving emotional, biological, behavioral, cognitive, and interpersonal consequences.”
More specifically, the consequences of toxic relationships can include, but are not limited to:
- The development of mental health disorders:
- Depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Anxiety disorders
- Chronic physical symptoms:
- Headaches and migraines
- Drained energy levels
- Chronic exhaustion
- Weakened immune system
- Increased risk of cardiovascular complications
- Body aches
- Hormonal changes
- Digestive issues
Other, broad consequences can include:
- Decline in self-esteem and reduced confidence
- Paranoia
- Avoidance of intimacy
- Selfishness
- Trust issues
- The sacrifice of activities once enjoyed
- Interference with work or school
- Lack of self-care and poor dieting
- Reduced quality of sleep and insomnia
- Feelings of insecurity
- Decline in overall happiness
- Increased suicidal ideation
Whether an individual is addicted to toxic relationships or continues to experience the consequences of one toxic relationship from their past, there are valuable ways that individuals can work to heal from toxic relationships and their effects. Recovery is a journey, one that will likely require professional guidance, support, and treatment to instil lasting healing and sobriety.
Healing From Toxic Relationships and Their Consequences
Contrary to what some may believe, healing from toxic relationships is not as simple as merely leaving a toxic relationship. In many cases, abruptly leaving a toxic relationship may pose a threat to an individual’s well-being, as toxic partners can become obsessive and perpetuate worsening abuse. However, it is true that, in most cases, partners must leave a toxic relationship to truly begin healing. The key here is to understand the severity of one’s toxic relationship and to utilise professional services to ensure that an individual remains psychologically and physically protected while creating space from toxic partners.
In addition to working with professionals, there are many things that individuals can do at home to begin healing from toxic relationships. Consider some of the following examples.
Feel Your Feelings
Once an individual has physically separated from a toxic relationship, it may be helpful to understand that emotional distress is to be expected. Those addicted to toxic relationships and codependency may experience an emotional void as a result of no longer feeling “needed” in their relationship. Not only may this time be painful, but it can also be extremely confusing. Remembering that fully feeling one’s feelings is an essential step in healing.
Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t easy, even if it is the healthiest choice. Individuals must allow themselves to be upset and give themselves the time to feel all of the emotions that may surface in recovery. Ignoring or avoiding feelings may challenge the recovery process and can inform unhealthy behaviours. Thus, feeling one’s feelings becomes a critical factor in one’s ability to heal effectively.
Utilise Your Support Systems
Another critical thing that individuals can do to begin healing from toxic relationships is to lean into their support systems. Support systems may include close friends and family, but they can also include mental health professionals and peers in support groups. Prioritising time with positive supports will ensure that an individual can establish and maintain healthy relationships, built on trust, care, mutual respect, and unconditional positive regard.
Isolation is a common experience among those in toxic relationships or otherwise healing from toxic relationships. Yet, recovery communities pose valuable opportunities to connect with individuals through the struggles of toxic relationships, substance abuse, addiction, and other difficult circumstances. Taking advantage of this time to connect with people, both familiar and new, will increase an individual’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth that was likely compromised by previous toxic relationships.
Engage in Self-Discovery
Toxic relationships can cloud an individual’s sense of self, making people forget who they truly are and what matters most to them. Fortunately, recovery offers the space for individuals to prioritise themselves and re-discover who they are at their core. There are many ways that individuals can engage in self-discovery when healing from toxic relationships, such as:
- Participating in creative expression
- Creating visual art
- Composing music
- Listening to podcasts
- Journaling passions, interests, and dreams
- Getting outside of one’s comfort zone
- Reflecting on the things one admires
- Strengthening personal skills
- Joining new social groups
- Meditating
- Travelling
- Learning new skills
- Spending time outdoors
There is no wrong way to engage in self-discovery. Those intimidated by trying new things or stepping outside of their comfort zone can consider engaging in self-discovery with supports, providing comfort and empowerment along the journey.
Prioritise Self-Care
In toxic relationships, self-care often falls by the wayside. Similarly, those affected by toxic relationships may experience feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness that cause them to think badly about themselves, even in recovery. Therefore, to effectively heal from toxic relationships, individuals must prioritise self-care to reestablish a healthy relationship with oneself. Everything from prioritising healthy eating and sleeping habits to engaging in exercise and personal hygiene practices are all essential self-care practices to consider.
Additionally, making extra time for oneself in recovery and engaging in activities that one truly favours can be especially beneficial. Cooking one’s favourite meal, binge-watching a favourite TV show, or buying something special for oneself are also examples of valuable self-care practices.
Treatment for Codependency and Addiction
At PCP – The Perry Clayman Project, we are dedicated to helping individuals heal from the effects of toxic relational and behavioural patterns. Specifically, we specialise in the treatment of codependency and other behavioural addictions, as well as substance addictions. No matter what an individual may be facing on their journey to healing, we have the tools, support, and expertise that individuals need to successfully sustain lasting healing from toxic relationships and their consequences.
While many people may understand trauma as a risk factor for substance abuse and mental health disorders, many may neglect to address toxic relationships as another evident risk factor for these conditions. Toxic relationships are characterised by ongoing patterns of dysfunction that are perpetuated by disrespect and an imbalance of control. To heal from the effects of toxic relationships, individuals can learn how to set boundaries, prioritise self-care, and pursue professional treatment. We at PCP – The Perry Clayman Project offer a wide range of treatment programmes in several locations across the UK, meeting our clients where they are in recovery. Call 08000 380 480 for more information and support today.